“Getting to Thanksgiving – Step 1”
“What have I got to be thankful for?” A question that so
many seem to be asking themselves these days and depending on the place they
are asking from it can be a tough question to answer . . . if we choose to look
at only what we do not have. Discontent is an illness that if not brought into
check daily can render terminal pain and destroy our relationships with others
and with ourselves.
Over the last few years I have made a study of people
(myself included) with the goal of figuring out what makes people unhappy,
difficult to deal with and generally discontent with their lives. What I have
found is really pretty simple to pin-point and even simpler to remedy and yet
so many others choose to continue on the very same path that has brought them
to this point of unhappiness and self doubt. It is no less than fascinating to listen
to someone bemoan their current situation and yet have absolutely no plan or
desire to do anything to make it better.
When looking back over my life and cataloging the defeats,
disappointments, death and disaster that I have experienced there is one thing
that stands out in all of it. When I dwelt on the event and the things I could
not control (namely the other people involved) I rarely, if ever, got any type
of outcome I desired. It generally just went bad for me and interestingly it
seemed to get worse. My grandmother used to say that, “Bad news comes in three’s”
and that was the case for me it seemed. What I did not realize is that if you
believe and expect that then it is generally true but that is not the way it
has to be.
Over the last 15 years I made a major shift in my thinking
and my reactions to what seemed to be “Bad news” and it has truly changed my
life and my relationships. The simple change was three-fold -
- I began to ask this double-edged question after
every single event that did not turn out as I would have liked – “What could I
have done differently to possibly avoid this and what is there to be learned
from this event?” This shifted the responsibility for my actions and my
attitude to the proper person . . . ME! It may not have been my fault or my
doing but how I choose to react is solely on me.
- I continually remind myself that what is “done
is done” and the only productive direction is forward – looking back and
reliving pain, failure and disappointment only steals from me the present
moment. Times with loved ones, a beautiful sunset, the opportunity to tell
someone you love them and so many others all could be missed if our mind is set
on a harsh word, injustice or slight committed against us last week, last year
or worst of all 20 years ago. I realized the insanity and personal stupidity of
this because I cannot turn back the clock and fix it. The great Zig Ziglar said it best. “You are
at the top when you realize and clearly understand that failure (however it
manifests) is an event, NOT a person; that yesterday really did end last night,
and today is YOUR brand new day.” Events do no not shape my life, my responses
do . . . Period.
- I did something that to many of you will sound
so crazy but yet for me it now seems crazy not to do it. When someone or
something happens to me that in most people’s lives would create frustration I
have turned that around completely. If I am cut off in traffic or someone says something
to me that is rude, insensitive or just plain dumb and when I am faced with a
person so negative and mired in events over which they have no control yet they
have allowed it to take over their psyche, these folks used to frustrate me
because I wanted to “change” them in some way. Well that Is no longer how I “react”
now I simply observe, listen, if asked I will offer advice but for the most
part I simply smile and in the back of my mind say to myself . . . “Fascinating,
I wonder what would cause them to act, think or feel that way."
You
see what I have come to realize is that I cannot control what others do, think
or feel no matter how wrong and/or personally destructive their behavior may be.
Once I made this a big part of how I saw the actions of others my frustration
level dropped to almost zero and my fascination with all aspects of life
multiplied exponentially. (Side note – Does it work all the time? In a word,
NO! However it does way more than it does not . . . and I like those odds.)
The
Apostle Paul said in his letter to the Corinthians, “For our present troubles
are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly
outweigh them and will last forever.” This has been so true for me and has led
me to have a greater respect for the trials I have been through in my life.
They have made me instead of breaking me.
I
know what some of you are thinking, “Bart, you just do not understand because
what has happened to me did not happen to you.” You are right to a degree in
that what you have specifically experienced I have not, that is fair. However,
what is true is that we all (every single one of us) have experienced loss,
death, disappointment and violence in our lives. We all share that common bond
of tragedy and for each of us it is personal, potentially breaking and
devastating. But we all have had it and have made our individual choices as to
how we would allow it to affect us. It is only different for you because it
happened to you.
Andy
Andrews, author of "The Seven Decisions", said, “We are where we are because of our best thinking.” If you are
not where you want to be you must consider the possibility that what you have
been doing is wrong and if our best ideas and thoughts come only from ourselves
then a deep, honest self analysis is critical. If you are not in a place you
want to be then it may be time to begin to look outwardly towards others who
are where you would like to be.
Nobody
sets out in life to be a failure at anything and yet it happens to us all. This
is when the influence of friends, colleagues and mentors is so valuable, Your
view is skewed and the weeds in our personal lives may be causing us to miss
the wonders that lie just in front of us. This can be uncomfortable and
revealing but it is only through outside influence that we can be truly changed
on the inside.
Having
an attitude that closes down others because of a false impression that no one
else could possibly understand your situation is just a complicated way of
saying, “I really do not want to improve my situation, as a matter of a fact I
am kinda comfortable in my self-inflicted misery and by the way you are not
really important enough for me to care about anyway.” Realization that your
perception or behavior may be incorrect and even wrong is the first step to
finding the answers. Some (for whatever reason) just do not want to change.
Yeah,
it’s a harsh analysis but there comes a time when we are forced to make one of
two choices. We either move forward in our life and appreciate the moments we have
to be happy, love life and seize every moment as if it may be our last OR we
live a life rooted in the past, missing the people who want to love us, giving
life to things long dead and trying to save those who will not save themselves.
Whatever
their decision I know that “fascination” awaits one group and we will just have
to remained fascinated by the rest.
God
bless you all and be on the lookout for the next installment – “Getting to
Thanksgiving – Step 2”.
